I must apologize, darling
for failing most completely to keep that promise
                          remember?

when you made me swear I would be strong
and keep my head above the waves

I hate to admit to it, love
I've been breathing fluids for years now
there was never any strength in me

I am strung together with clenched teeth
epithets and a bitter, raging defiance
         I will not be subdued.

I got the clinic on Monday, finally, at around 6:50 AM. I was the second person to sign the roster and luckily, I was admitted and accepted.

First we had to talk to the front desk lady, who was helpful if bumbling and ancient. Then we basically had to sit around until 8:20 AM, when the clinic finally started reviewing new cases.

I had to fill out a brief form, then talk to the clinic director; an apathetic, condescending black man who couldn't seem to keep eye contact when speaking to me. Maybe it unnerved him to meet someone he couldn't talk down to for a change - I dam sure hope so.

After him, I had to wait another half hour or so until 9:00 AM when the clinic opened and then another five minutes to be seen by the clinician that does the initial analysis. He was equally apathetic, fairly useless and seemed to struggle with understanding some of the things I said to him. I disliked him immediately and it only got worse as we spoke for approximately ten minutes.

Then another ten minute wait to (finally) be seen by the prescriptologist / psychologist.
She was friendly, disarming and deceptively youthful in her mannerisms despite her apparent age. I would have guessed her in her late 40s or more but she acted like any girl I might have met at a party around town. Just being around the woman was incredibly pleasant. She talked with me rather briefly but seemed to understand what the problem could be immediately. We had a short conversation and she told me she would like to prescribe me a short-term antidepressant to see if that could improve my overall mood and behavior.
After mentioning places I could go for therapy if the prescription alone did not help and telling me to come back in two weeks for an evaluation, she gave me a card and sent me to the pharmacy to pick up the medication: an antidepressant called Citalopram. Amusingly enough, it has also been shown to reduce symptoms of premature ejaculation (thankfully, something that has never been on my list of issues.)

So here I am, feeling alright generally but not really noticing any changes after the first dosage. I guess we'll see how it takes after a few days.

Choice madness, straight from the page, for your viewing pleasure.

The Lorazepam is nice.
It's like an off switch for anxiety... worry...
for really thinking about anything unpleasant. No matter how hard I try to focus on  anything upsetting it just seems abstract and unimportant.

I'm going to the clinic on friday. Hopefully they will do... something?
We'll see.

To those of you that know me, in one way or another....
I hear you.
You're all very sweet and I appreciate your words.

I'm just not ready to talk yet. Give me some time.
Thanks.

There is nothing left of me, here
in the gray walls
in the                cold cells of our routine
                                pacification
this is only the                                                (echo)
of the moment I arrived

              I have been  l e  a   v    i     n      g
in every breath
           since that instant
and one day soon
      all that remains will be
           soft, back-lit photographs
of monochrome contentment - blurring
                                                                      into
                                                                             "past tense"