-----    Prepare yourself mentally for all circumstances, even (or perhaps, especially) those which seem preposterously unlikely.



-----     Anyone who can judge you fairly, invariably never will.
Anyone who will judge you, will fail to do so impartially, effectively invalidating their own claims.



-----    If you intend to make the best, most prolonged use of your effective lifespan, set a goal for yourself which is realistically unattainable. The day a mans usefulness runs out is the day he dies.
I have every intention of seeking answers I will never find - and living forever.

She bit my lip
                                  ( past tense )
fickle stray she was;
drinking love from my hands and leaving cuts

she sold my stars and cursed my words
down where the laymen sleep, in curled heaps
with smoke rising from their eyelids

I fought back
                                  ( for once )
should have left well enough
alone
but the anger tasted better than envy

so I kept digging.


------

I'll talk about this one, to those of you I actually talk to. But I'm not going to write it here. I don't want to write about that anymore.

I keep forgetting to take my pill until late. It's no big deal. I just don't really want to take them. But I do. I swallow the damn things because I don't know what else to do.
Is this what sanity feels like?
Do I want to feel like this if it is?
(don't worry about me, sunshine. I'm doing okay, I just need to vent.)

Future-posted at 3 AM for no particular reason. It's actually about 1:30 right now... I'm going to go get coffee so I can sleep at some point.

I recently made the mistake of engaging some people (they were theists too... hindsight is a beautiful thing) in discussion on the basics of my views regarding the universe.
It was not only poorly received but largely misunderstood. So here I am, blogging at 1:20 A.M. in an attempt to state my views in a more succinct manner; largely for my own amusement but partly for future reference.


Allow me to begin by stating that I believe nothing. I do not believe there is a god, I do not believe in telepathy or unicorns either. Furthermore, I don't actually believe that I am awake at the moment... or for that matter, that I exist at all. Believing any of those things is an assumption; you can not provide evidence beyond that which falls within human perceptions, which themselves are subject to suspicion. What's important to note however, is that I don't disbelieve these things either. My thoughts on life look something like this: 
-I appear to exist; I may not but so far I am, apparently, consistently conscious and able to recall events.
-To the best of my knowledge, my senses are accurate in depicting my reality. Things feel, sound and taste the way that my mind believes they ought to.
-Scientific knowledge is reasonably useful for navigating this universe, as it appears to consistently produce working results.

Those are some safe statements I can make about reality. Kindly note that all of them are in hypothetical context. I can't prove any of those statements, they just appear to be consistent and functional.
Are you getting the picture? Because at this point I've usually lost just about anyone listening. Bear with me.

More or less, I spend my time in a state of absolute uncertainty. I go about my life as normal, since thus far reality has followed a stable, predictable pattern.
Should the functionality of my universe suddenly shift or become chaotic, I would be momentarily startled but not entirely surprised; I have prepared myself mentally for all possibilities - even those which seem preposterously unlikely according to previous events.

I believe that is as fully as I will be able to explain myself. I apologize if it is somewhat scattered. I am not what you would call a philosopher. I lack both experience and training in conceptualizing my experiences and expressing them through writing.
I'll have to work on that.

They kept me in the cupboard
    next
to
    the
cumin and cadavers

just rocking chair heels
and arms like a ligature

they sold my records to the governor:
cubic centimeter repertoires
   next
to
   the
stained auditorium, I whispered:
"...gone mad
                  not a madman
just a man gone mad.
                                 not a madman
                   just a man gone mad...."

I was retrograde -a fading chalk-man
more stick than figure,
brittle bones and concrete hands

          I still wonder why you tried
to scrape me from the floorboards
and hang me in the rafters;
I like it just fine down here

in the dustbin of your future self.